Dip Shit

Dip shit can't read the dipstick for the oil pan in her car. Maybe it's because she has been religiously changing the oil every 6 months instead of every 6 years so it's clear not black like in all her other cars.

Hip, hip...

Today is a cold, windy, foggy summer day in San Francisco. It is also my sisters birthday. Last night, 25 minutes before my sister, Catie, turned 32 she had a baby boy. No husband, no job, and no home. This picture shows how I feel today.

Ding Dong

Last week I dreamed that King Kong went to Hong Kong. ??? Where does this stuff come from?

Jesus Christ

You try to live like Jesus, act like Jesus, and think like Jesus and everyone thinks you're a God damned freak.

Dying

The other day my friend reminded me of something. When I was 18 I got a job working in a cafe. I was always the only employee on duty. Just before I got the job I decided to bleached my hair blonde just for fun. Doing so got me more attention than I ever expected or wanted. All sorts of creepy guys would come hang out at the cafe and try to pick up on the blonde. So, one day, the blond dyed her hair brown. Those same creepy guys would come to the cafe and ask me where the blonde was. I told them all that she had dyed. I wasn't lying.

Don't Be A Butt Face

It's not a good idea to keep your eye cream and your jock itch medicine in the same drawer.

Dawn

when I woke up this morning and turned on the news the announcer broadcasted that the people of Phoenix had woken up to the worst rainstorm there in about 50 years. The same day my friend, Dawn, is moving to town. It does not surprise me. Dawn is a force of nature. We will miss her in California. We know how to handle her here. I only hope Arizona can.