I Started Smoking

My life sucks dick right now. The other night I hit the breaking point. I cracked. I was on my way home from a terrible job and the only thing I thought could possibly make me happy was a cigarette. I don't smoke and I've never bought a pack of cigarettes before in my life. In high school I'd take a drag off of someone's cigarette every once in a while so I would look cool and get a rush. I haven't done that but a hand full of times since.

When I got home from work I parked my car and ran to the corner store. I didn't even know what to ask for. Luckily I remembered there was an add up in front of the store advertising those American Indian cigarettes. American Spirits. Right. I went in and asked for a pack. "Which ones," said my friend behind the counter. "The blue ones," I said. I didn't know what the difference was between the blue and yellow ones was and I still don't. All I know is they tasted just as good as I thought they would and, it was true, they made me happy.

I said I'd never bought a pack of cigarettes before but that was a lie. When I was about 20 years old I was in the Seven Eleven store by my folks house buying something. Probably a Slurpie. This little girl was in line in front of me and she was attempting to buy a pack of cigarettes with a big hand full of nickels. She said they were for her mom who was sick. She couldn't have been more that seven years old. The store keeper wouldn't sell them to her. "But my mom will be mad at me," said the little girl with a shaky voice. She left in defeat. I paid for my Slerpie and went outside and the girl was still there looking worried. I told her to give me the money. I asked her what she wanted and went back inside and placed and order. The man behind the counter was so mad at me but he traded me the money for the cigarettes.

Look At What My Car Did

I had to pull over to take this photo. I was driving along and looked down as the numbers where turning over to 200,000. And speaking of my car, ok one of my cars, check this out. http://www.sfbg.com/entry.php?entry_id=7313&catid=77

Castles go to Europe

Some of the work from my on going series, Castles of the United States of America, will be tourning Europe. They have used one of my images for the invite. http://goldrushshow.blogspot.com/ If there is a castle waiting to be photographed in your neighborhood let me know. I like castles with garage doors in them most. The shabbier the better. You know me.

Summer Weather in San Francisco

Fall Weather in San Francisco

Winter Weather in San Francisco

Spring Weather in San Francisco

Re-entry

I just got back from 3 weeks in Maine. Mostly what I did there was eat. I am covered with a fine layer of pudge. My friend, George, was teaching a ceramics workshop at a place called Haystack and he got to bring a guest so he asked me. I took a workshop and I chose the mixed media class. I'm pretty sure I was channeling someone else while I was there. Some lady who likes to make serine landscapes in watercolors. Her name is Muffy. In New England George and I decided we were Chip and Muffy. Otherwise known as Chipper and Muffins. There were 90 people at the school and 3 of them were named Alice. When does that ever happen? One of them was in my class and she couldn't ever remember my name. I got to eat two lobsters while I was in Maine.

I think I know where I am

I'm pretty sure I'm in Maine. I got here on Sunday and the fog was so soupy think there were no shadows cast. I couldn't tell which way was North, South, East or West. And I couldn't see further than about 20 feet away. I could hear boats going by my cabin on the shore but I couldn't see them. It felt like I was on an island. Oh, wait. I am on an island. Last night the wind picked up and pushed all the fog away. The coast is dotted with islands that are covered with forests. Now it is raining and I'm stuck in the library waiting for it to calm down. My friend George is teaching a workshop here and I am his guest. It is basically a workshop where people go to eat and drink too much. Then if you have any extra time you can take a class and make something.

Today I went to see another part of the island and get alcohol supplies with one of the other students. On our way back to the school we passed some kids selling lemonade. Eric said he was terribly sorry but he had to go back and get some. I told him I was also game. We went back and found out that it wasn't lemonade they were selling but rather Kool Aid. They said it was 25 cents and we told them we would up it to 50. Turns out it was diluted, warm Kool Aid. Eric asked what they were raising money for and when they said bible camp I saw his entire tense up. Then he asked where the bible camp was. When they said North he asked, "You mean there's more North that this?"

Two Words I Always Misspell

Knowledge and Intelligent

It's Better To Be Nobody

Quote from a letter by Charles Dodgson (aka Lewis Carroll) to Sydney Bowles May 23rd, 1891

In some ways, you know, people that don't exist, are much nicer than people that do. For instance, people that don't exist are never cross: and they never contradict you: and they never tread on your toes! Oh, they're ever so much nicer than people that do exist! However, never mind: you can't help existing you know: and I daresay you're just as nice as if you didn't.

Reason to move

My best friend in junior high was a born liar, a cheat and a thief. Once a man dropped 10-dollar bill on the floor at the 7-11 and after I pointed it out to him she was so mad at me I thought she was going to kill me.

In the seventh grade she had a babysitting job after school that was two doors up the street from her house. The mother was a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a rich husband. Everything my friend wanted in life. After school the mom would pick up my friend and take her up the hill. Once I went with them and they stopped at the store and bought a can of chocolate frosting and ate the entire thing with their fingers before they got to the house. They didn’t even offer me any.

Both of my friend’s parents worked. We were often at her house alone. In the eight grade she started inviting boys over. The one’s she could manipulate. Whenever she got to the part where she wanted to play strip poker I would tell her I had to call my mom and check to see what time I had to be home. My mom would always tell me to come home whenever I wanted to. I would hang up the phone and say my mom wanted me home.

My friend left her first boyfriend, Mike, for another Mike during a Rolling Stones concert. When the first Mike found out about it he had a mini heart attach and we had to take him to the paramedics at Candlestick Park. They kept asking us what drugs he was on and when we told them none they didn’t believe us because we were teenagers.

In our sophomore year of high school the second Mike moved to Iowa with his mom and Laura went with them. She said she liked it there because, on the most part, people in Iowa weren’t that good looking and, comparatively, she was hot. In California she was just the middle of the road. She felt like she didn’t stand a chance.

My former best friend didn’t marry the second Mike she married another man. She had somehow missed the chance to run for Miss Iowa so after she got married she ran for Mrs. Iowa. She told me that at the interview they had asked her what she would do to resolve the current sausage situation. She thought about it for a while then admitted to them that she wasn’t aware of any sausage situation. Apparently they had asked about a hostage situation but she hadn’t heard them right. Yes, she is a blonde.

Nothing makes any sense anymore

My boob doctor is a black man.

Watch

In April I lost my watch. It wasn't an expensive watch and it didn’t have any sentimental value, I just don’t like loosing things. Also, I had just bought a new band for the old watch before I lost it. If you are a teacher and a wedding photographer you kind of need to know what time it is. I went about a week without a watch thinking I’d find it but it never showed up. Finally, just before I went off to shoot a wedding, I broke down and bought a watch at Walgreen’s for $9.99. It wasn’t bad looking but it had a plastic band. Yesterday, after two months of thinking my old watch would show up, I gave up and went and bought a new band for my new watch. It looks exactly like the plastic band. I can barely tell the difference. Last night at halftime during my soccer game I was standing next to my soccer bag and when I looked down at it I could see my old watch face staring up at me from inside the pocket.

Foxy

On the way home from my soccer game last Thursday I saw a fox. It ran in front of my car in Golden Gate Park. OK. It wasn’t after my soccer game. It was after I went to the bar after my soccer game. But I really did see it. I called a few people on the team to tell them I’d seen a fox and they all believed me this time. About a year ago I was the last to leave the soccer field because I was making a phone call or something and when I drove up to the stop sign a coyote crossed the street. It poked it’s head into a bunch of gofer holes then ran off. There is no mistaking a coyote for a dog but when I called one of my teammates at the bar to tell him about it I could tell he didn’t believe me. He passed on the word to others at the bar but I could tell they didn’t believe me either. About a week after that the headline in the SF Chronicle was, “Coyotes in Golden Gate Park!”

When I was a kid I grew up in Stinson Beach on a ranch. We were the last house on the hill before you went into the forest. There was a fox and a wolf we would see periodically. Probably the last fox and the last wolf in the area. When my brother, the neighbor kids and I would be playing we would get that feeling that someone was watching us and when we looked up there would be the fox or the wolf staring at us. Someone eventually shot the wolf but I’m not sure what happened to the fox. He just stopped making an appearance eventually. We also saw Mountain Lions once in a while. I don’t know why they didn’t eat us. We would wonder up the hill and into the woods and we would be gone all day. Cannon was 7, I was 5 and Case and Virgil were only 3. It could have only been the numbers that kept them away. Or maybe the hand-me-downs we wore. Or maybe they were just curious like we were.

Cinco de Mayo-Monday the 5th of May, 2008

On Monday someone called a local radio show here in SF to find out what day Cinco de Mayo was on.

It Wasn't My Idea

A bunch of people wanted me to start a blog because they said they liked my writings. They said they were funny. But before starting this blog I’m pretty sure my sense of humor moved to a new town. If I knew where it went I would go join it but it left without a forwarding address. Did you know that the older you get the less you laugh? But then they say that every 10 years you get 5 percent happier. I’d have to say that is pretty right on for me. I was wondering what percent you start at though. If you start at 0 when you are born then you are only 5 percent happy when you hit 10. Well, that sounds about right in my case. But, then by the time you hit 80 years old that would mean you would only be 40% happy. That sucks.

New Solution

I've come up with a new way for galleries to cut costs on expenses at opening receptions. It is also a way to cut back on plastic cup waste. Instead of hiring a bartender or making a receptionist stay late to pour wine and supply snacks galleries could just let visitors bob for apples in a barrel of wine. I was thinking red wine.

Ann Chamberlain

October 30, 1951-April 18, 2008

Entrepreneur

My brother is going to start a new clothing line. It's going to be called Martin Luther Bling.

Greetings from San Francisco